The Nothing

 “- Bastian: Why is it so dark?

- The Childlike Empress: In the beginning, it is always dark.”

  

 I woke early after falling asleep late. As soon as I opened my eyes it was painful. Some days being awake is just well...hard. If I am being real I will tell you that while I don't really suffer from depression I am an extremely anxious person. High strung but brilliant in the least narcissistic way of saying something like that.  Most of the time I am quite happy and up and moving and going. But internally there is always something just under the surface that seems well a little bit void like. And some days I fall into it. The Nothing.

     

         What is my Nothing. Its a place that welcomes me when I am already struggling. When I don't feel good enough. When I have fallen short. Its devoid of anything positive, And once there it reminds me not to talk to people and to withdraw. It doesn't last long . Sometimes maybe just a day or two . But its a hard hell to climb out of. The hardest part is that when Im in there other people just cant understand it. They don't see why I am there at all.  Basically I am told I am the wrong person for that sort of stuff . It kind of goes along with the get over it society. And while I always have Jesus , there are times not even he can reach me. I ask this question, who motivates the motivator? Who pushes the pusher? 

When you build your life around being a strong reliable authentic person people tend to expect that no matter what. They cant let you be anything else. 

   The best I can do on days like today is to lay low. To try hard not to let what I am feeling sink into any conversations or actions I take that day. But the nothing is such a complete dick . It steals joy and rapes me of my buoyancy . I pushed myself to go to a community yard sale as I really need to up my Ebay sales and yet even as I was there I really wasn't. After 3 houses I just got in the car and left. I really just wanted to be home. I kept looking at the clock all day as I needed to work  at 4. Telling myself that this nothing ends at 3:30 because at that time I have to flip a switch and show up whether I like it or not. And that's what I meant by my earlier statement of brilliant. I am a good actor and a good actor knows that the show must go on. And so it does. Into robot mode I go with programmed responses and half smiles that thanks to Covid mask wearing I don't have to put out to much.

        

   At the beginning of Covid I was drinking southern comfort and diet coke to waste time , but on days like today I want to drink it to just feel something. Which is exactly why I did not replace the last bottle after it ran out.  The nothing is a thirsty antagonist for sure. 

  Anyhow . I made it through a short shift at work (thankfully) and made my way to the grocery store afterwards even though it pained me to do it to get my Thanksgiving meal stuff. I thought of doing my meal on Tuesday because I have to work all week but that made my husband a bit sad as he wants to eat Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving so I changed my mind and will now get up at like 6 am to make food before going to work at 10 since ill be there most of the day . 

   

       Ollie still cant walk. :( 

        Goodnight. 

Morla, the Ancient One:
We don't even care whether or not we care.

--The Neverending story