The fault in my stars

   Yesterday flew by and while i could of wrote after work I decided to sit down and start down a rabbit hole and that rabbit hole would be turning on the 1st season of game of thrones. I finally convinced Mr M that we must watch something that has more than one season available as it gets old watching something that only has 1  season and then we wait ...for who knows how long. 

     But I had a topic in mind that I was to write about. It started with a simple enough conversation at work about family pets and animals. And I mentioned that i am notorious for my kids winning 25 cent goldfish at the fair and for me being able to keep them alive for years . The goldfish I have currently is Frozen . A large white comet that is about 3 years old. He was won at the fair in great excitement and at the time had no idea just how lucky of a win it actually was....for the goldfish I mean. 

         You see everything that comes to my hand that is living and breathing be that human or hamster or goldfish or dog , I take that mission to love and care for it with everything I have. I am not a fish hobbyist at all , but I was given this little creature and it was entrusted into my care. I am responsible for its life. And its an enormous thing by the way when that life ends up being something more than a fish ..say a human. 

     I love to much. I love with all I have. I love when not loved back. I love like life depends on it. I love people like I want to be loved. If I love you , you are everything to me. I would do anything for you. I would go as far as I could for you. I would give you everything . Nirvana always says it best "a founded heart is hard to find". And indeed it is. And its also why I become drained. And overwhelmed at times . And hurt. Its literally the fault in my stars. That I should be given this kind of a heart . The kind that will die trying. By the way side note but i have always thought that someday I will get a tattoo of that on me somewhere. Die Trying.  

    Its why the current political games and reflections and opinions and such are difficult for me right now. I gave everyone the right to their own thoughts and opinions and dominion over their own Facebook and Instagram pages. To say as they wish. To be open. To not censor. But that was not returned in kind. When I would post something I would read it over like 5 times to ensure I was trying hard to not  hurt people .That my responses though not peppered or armed with sources or hard fact backing but sometimes rather just humble opinion were still kind , thoughtful.  And yet people had no care at all for others. True ugliness. 

   Anyhow I have found through therapy that the people we love the most are usually the people who hurt us the most. And the suggestion to cut people off or out of my life while an easy road and easy answer, is just not who I am . 

    The last line my therapist said to me in our last session which by the way had both of us crying. Was what kind of person is here in this room? That even with all the hurt , all the pain all the injustice really , should still love so damn much. The answer I guess? Is me. 

      I wish that people were not so shallow. So flippant. So apt to say whatever comes flying out. As a person who is having to learn how to temper what I feel with what I say I can attest to the fact that it does not come naturally. We feel something and in the moment we feel we have every right to say it. Every right to post it. Every right to be heard. But how do we want to be remembered ? I would hope that when I am gone someday that I am remembered as flawed but always trying. 

    If I am relatable at all for any one thing , I think its that for all my great personality points, for all my amazing children and long standing marriage . For any real success I have had . I am always always willing to say this line . Which I have said so many many times. I consider myself one of the best people I know and I know how bad I am . I am always willing to share the messy, the not so great , the imperfect . If you have ever had a conversation with me you know I will tell you of personal failures and times I did not triumph. Of things that are so not perfect . I tell you this because we as humans steal our own joy by comparison. You need to know that i can commiserate with you because I too suffer and am NOT perfect. 

  We say if only . We think others are so "lucky" .We covet what others have instead of giving thanks for what is already in hand. If I could ask God to only give me one gift it would be to keep me forever humble. Let me never outgrow the understanding that to give and to serve and to stay humble are the crown jewels of life. 

    Part of this blog for me is simply to be able to spell out thought . To reflect upon my day. To have it be more than a "status" . In the scope of the universe who knows who will ever read this or who it will touch . But there is something inside of me that big or small knows I need to share. I need to share in the best ways of who I am . I am working on that :). 

I started this blog by telling about how I am a people person. And I am . But part of that is having a relationship with others in a healthy and lets face it sane way.  To figure out how to keep loving and keep making deposits into other peoples life while not having others only withdraw from mine. 

    I am feeling very alive today. I love you all and hope that God blesses you and keeps you. 

I want to live
I want to give
I've been a miner
For a heart of gold
It's these expressions
I never give
That keep me searching
For a heart of gold
And I'm getting old
Keep me searching
For a heart of gold
And I'm getting old

-Neil Young