I was quite not blind.

I am taking a break from society at the moment. Stepped away from the social media and people in general. Why? Because my soul was not only tired it was exhausted. There was no mending the soul anymore. The past year 2020 has been one for the books. And also one for the trash heap. It has pushed people to their limits and broken even the best out there. All due to a virus. And while i have not been infected with covid yet i caught something far worse. The virus that strangles the heart . Despair. 

        I am a people person by nature. I love everything about connecting with others. I love talking. I love sharing. I love the way my hands fly around when im telling a great story. I enjoy the window to the world that social media provides to me. To see people near or far and still be able to feel you are connected. And then this past year happened. And all the light that i used to find in those interactions was gone. In its place the sad knowledge that so many people i thought i knew had changed. Or maybe they were the same and i had changed. Either way it was a terrible match . Day after day scrolling through social media , seeing people scream about how much they hate Trump. Or the back and forth about mask wearing. The social unrest that drove the wedge of divide the hardest and the farthest i have ever seen. I came to the startling and sad conclusion that i not only don't agree with most people that i know , but I cant even feel good about the little common ground we have left.  Agree to disagree....not really. You stand ready to delete me just as you have plenty others .You tell me its about principle. Its about compassion. Its about justice. Really? Is it?  Hmmmm And when i say you i am talking about a vast amount of folks not any one person.

  Because the reality is its more along the lines of annihilation. You push me for my thoughts my beliefs and then once shared, its my head on a platter. If you respectfully disagree with a narrative that someone is pushing you are racist. You are gaslighting. You are an asshole. You certainly are not a person who has formed your own opinion. We have an army of fact checkers for everything in this world. You cant say anything unless its documented somewhere that it can be backed up. But what about speaking in earnest from the heart?  I have to either avoid or keep quite about almost everything i REALLY feel because if I were to express any of it , it would create a storm so large it would probably cost me most of the people i know . True story. 

 Therein lies my distress. I was quite but not blind. I saw it all. All the things that people posted . All the words that were spoken. All the threats that were made to unfriend. All the ultimatums that were given . All of my people who say its ok if we don't agree but deep down they don't really mean it. And deep down i  know the game ......Comply or be cast out. Some people wont like what I am writing here . And that also stresses me but at the same time I literally had to leave everything just to find a place i could say anything . Go figure . 

   I hate that I even care. And during this time of break I am trying to decide just how much care is left. Its only been a few days and i am shocked at how much better I feel mentally. Just not having to see it all . Not having to try to stifle real reactions to it all. Not having to bite my tongue. I am aware I am an outsider in my thinking. But then am I ? America is about half and half where it stands . 

 On one of the last days I was on Facebook i had a former coworker write me and say that i was making it really hard to keep me as a friend due to my pro America stance . HUH? Yes I had an American flag as my background photo . Unbelievable. I cant entertain stuff like that and yet I cant avoid it either because its everywhere . People have bought into certain things lock stock and barrel . Being FOR America will land you in the hot seat now. Making me a bad racist uncaring person . 

  Every conversation revolved around Covid or the election and I just did not want to participate anymore. Not mad at anyone or feel upset with any one person its just that my eyes and ears HURT.  My brain was throbbing People were grabbing their torches and pitchforks and if I could not remain quite I would be next.   The bandwagon that I wont get on was starting to really piss off a lot of people and I know why. Because I AM a good person. I DO care. I am NOT racist. I AM likeable and these people know it  So dammit why am I not on board??? Le sigh. The answer is simple yet out of realism for most. Because I am my own person and I  just don't agree, what I feel is true is in direct opposition of what a majority or at least half of America feels is right.  Its as simple as that . I watch read and research things that nobody else wants to talk about. And you know what that's ok. If your interested in finding out the truth you spend time looking for it .I cant convince you.  I tell you true its not worth either of our time . Not only will you hate what you hear you simply wont understand it. And I don't have it in me to try to make you understand it either. We are certainly all entitled to believe what we want and that is truly the beauty of America . Bob Dylan said it best when he said the times they are a changing. There are forces far older, far darker and much more serious than 2 old dudes running for president. True story.  Hate to be the bearer of bad news but this isn't going to go how everyone thinks it will. I see much turmoil and strife along with those changing times. I see lots of in fighting and ultimate power struggles. Outside groups who want to push things to where America as we once knew her will be no more . And to be clear BOTH sides have led us to slaughter like it were a walk in the park. Its clear I have and will continue to lose friends over this deep divide. Ever has it been that when the battle for the nations soul shows up a huge amount of reset happens. That sometimes includes friend's and family. I am tired of the threats to unfriend . If your going to do that just do it . I understand, I really do. I woke up one day and saw that nobody else was compromising their beliefs , why should I?

The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is rapidly fadin'
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'

Anyhow I felt like I had to get that out of the way before I could move on to greener or err at least less tension filled pastures. I don't plan on turning this into a politics only blog but there will be strong opinions i warn you in advance. It was important to start this off and lay the groundwork as to how  I got here to begin with.  I have a lot going on . I want to continue to level up my Ebay and Depop and other online businesses . In a way that will be so time consuming its probably going to kill me . And I also want to lose weight , thanks Covid.... I was doing pretty good before you showed up and now I look like a potato. I want to read more. Focus on my church and helping where I am  needed . I want to continue going to therapy to sort out a whole load of burden I wont post here. I want to grow something. Make something . Go visit places. Bake something . But do it with intention and not under duress . For now I  don't want to have to respond to anyone or anything . So extreme ..I know. And I feel a sense of guilt like I am abandoning ship. Why do I feel that way? 

  I need a refreshing. I need to take a break from things that are not serving my soul in a good way. The hard part is I  hate breaks for the same reason i hate going to sleep at night . It means actual rest which i am not very good at . 

Today we were supposed to head to Idyllwild up the mountain for a first snow and and a little lunch after church but they were requiring chains because the snow was to much without them we did not have any so we had to cancel. Boo .Note to self find chains for the tires soon. 

Instead, daughter and I went to Trader Joes and Michaels to pick up cookie making stuff and jewelry making items . I look forward to making Christmas cookies as those always make me happy. 

  So how long will i take this break? No telling i will ride it out as long as it feels right . Initially I said a few weeks . We will see how its going then and decide if it needs to continue. 

       15 years ago I used to blog about my husband being deployed to war . I thought many times to write again but over the years life always kept getting in the way. I also felt like I had to have something really important to write about, But maybe the daily doings of life and feelings are important enough . To ones self. No clue if this will help me sort out some things but it feels freeing . It seems for once not strained and free flowing. We will see. I used to put a lot of quotes in my old blog and that is the one thing from that experience I think ill continue . 

“In all his trials he felt encouraged and sometimes even upheld by a secret force within. The soul helps the body, and at certain moments raises it. It is the only bird that sustains its cage.” – Victor Hugo